Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 5th September 2015

5th September 2015

Song: Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself by Jess Glynne: http://youtu.be/2mjjoaKUUa4

This recent song was played while I was having a hard time, thinking on negative thoughts. After listening and many days of consideration, it all comes down to this (which I’m about to say now).

Right, I’m going to change myself! I’m sick of moping about my life, when I should be doing something about it.

First of all, I’m going to plan my daily life – what rehearsals are there to attend, how long my lessons are, what sports classes should I take and search more on my Online Dating profile. If things don’t exactly go as they plan, then I’m going to move on and try another route.

Second, I’m going to be more positive and look forward to the future (even to the parts I don’t enjoy).

Finally, I’m never going to give up, because I am indescribable!!!! Yes,  I’m a strong big wall who is refusing to lay down and rest.

I’m going to be unstoppable, powerful and unbeatable. 😉

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Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams: 23rd August

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

23rd  August 2015

Haven’t written an entry in a while (really bad of me, I know); I’ve been constantly distracted by my blog, as I am trying to expand it a little bit more; I have also been away on holidays to the South West, including making my return to the OneWorld Festival – I had a expectational time! I even made new friends this year, and made contact with them. I feel like the happiest girl in the world. 🙂 And on top of this, I have been planning and planning: schedules to meet friends and researching presents for upcoming birthdays. Although I’m trying to keep myself busy, I feel my life is going down hill; again.

It all started while I was down on holiday to Dorset – for weeks and weeks, Dad has been practising for the next gig for Blue Tea Rose, which is next week. As the first one was a complete success, the band decided that I should sing a solo of my own! So between May and this month, I’ve been trying to something. In the end, Dad and I went with Valerie by the great, late Amy Winehouse. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to practise with the band. However, while we were away, I noticed Dad’s change of decision. I began to realise that he begun to attend to rehearsals without me, saying I wasn’t needed. So while we were away, I asked him, ‘Why?’

He told me that there was no point of me singing because I cannot sing the correct backing vocals. ‘You keep on reaching the same notes as the lead singer and you’re not supposed to do that’.

I then told him very calmly, ‘I know I struggle and its hard, but I try. If only you could have let me go to more rehearsals and give me a chance, I’ll learn to be better backing vocalist’.

‘No, it’s not possible’.

And that was that; Dad concluded the conversation, with no explanation; and through this, I knew that was the end of my career with Blue Tea Rose. And you know what, I have never been so disappointed about my father before – losing faith in his own daughter is the most heart-breaking thing a human being can imagine. And the worst part of it is that I’ve got the chance to make my own decision or saying goodbye to all of the band members, who’ve been so kind to me.

Next, came Universal Extra. During the summer, I tried my hardest to gain my experience, as an actor, to sign up to any job I can find. So far, I’ve found nothing. I came close once, but I got rejected before I was given the chance. I was okay with it at first, as I learned that the Performing Arts industry is a tough business. Now, I’m not so sure.

Finally, the online dating. Since joining, I’ve had a number of people following and chatting to me, but conversations with them have only lasted between a day and two weeks. Apart from one (but I’m not entirely sure how long it will last, since this person lives aboard – in Italy in fact). I’m trying to keep strong and have faith on this matter; but, I’m not sure what to do.

Writing and thinking about them is making me cry (right now). 😦

I’m lost; I want to try and improve myself, but I’m not sure how. I’ve always asked advice from close loved ones, but they have always given me the same answers – ‘Don’t change who you are’, ‘Don’t get angry’ and ‘Don’t change your friends; we like them’ (despite the fact I tell them about my struggles of living under their shadows like telling me things that I feel uncomfortable doing). What do I do when I’m older? Have a mid-life crisis and not get over it?

So, I’ve decided that I have to find a way to push myself, since I know no one’s gonna help me. I cannot stand being in someone else’s shadows any more. I need to act!

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 31st July 2015

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

31st July 2015

I’m scaring myself lately. I have no idea why and I really don’t like it.

For the last two nights, I’ve noticed that I have been crying, whilst trying to get to sleep. This is unusual, it has never happened to me before. I’ll explain what happens when it occurs.

When I settle down into my bed, I close my eyes and start to dream. Next, came the voices in my head. “You’ll never! You won’t do this! You won’t do that!” Suddenly, my throat starts to screw, really tightly. So tight; I feel as if I’m struggling to breathe. Tears would then stream down my close eyelids and I wail. I try to silence myself so I won’t be able to wake up my parents. This continues between a periods of a one short fit to a full, silent cry that’ll last for ten minutes. This causes trouble for sleeping; I don’t check the times but I feel by the time I’m finished, I imagine it will be three in the morning. Then, I wake up the next morning feeling really tired.

I don’t understand why I cry and get tired when I awake up the next day. Is it my anxiety playing up again? Am I worried about something? Is it my online dating experience? Am I sacred that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life? Am I being too clingy? Am I too high, with hopes of my so called “blind date”? Is my hormones playing up? I just don’t know. However, I do feel a lot of negativity about my love and social lives.

Should I do something about this? Should I stay off online dating for a while? Should I just give up altogether?

So many questions, so little answers. I don’t know what to do right now. I just hope that I’m not starting to suffer from depression or severe anxiety.

Song: Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_ISAntOom0

 

This song explains my struggles to search for my main goals – true love and happiness, with no luck. Also, it’s like my inner soul is speaking to me, with my heart degrading and my brain, full of negative thoughts.

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 20th July 2015

20th July 2015

Ever since I came back from Liverpool, things have pretty much changed.

First of these changes is Kat; she moved to the Isle of Wight on the tenth. Before she moved away, we managed to meet up and had dinner at Frankie and Benny’s. We had a wonderful time and a lovely conversation. After her move, we began to contact each other. I’m pleased to say that Kat is doing well and is enjoying the Isle of Wight. She really misses London, though and cannot wait to meet up with me again. Kat said she’ll come back in September for a week so hopefully we’ll see each other then. Let’s just hope I don’t get tangled up in things…

Next is Drama school. My peers and I have been spending our final weeks sorting out stuff. I’ve also had my sign language examination. I’m not sure how it went or what really happened because it was over pretty quick. I am now waiting for my results, which properly won’t come until September. Outside of lessons though, there’ve been a few feuds between my friends that have involved arguments but no physical fighting was involved (thank goodness). My friendships with many of my peers are straining too; I feel that I’m changing because I’m starting to see who is really there for me and who understands me for who I am. And to be honest, not many do. It’s really sad but that’s the way it goes. I’ve never had lasting friendships while I was at school (all apart from one) and it’s something I’m used to because it is always a learning curve for me. I only want to around those who really care and see me for myself, just as much as I would see them as they are.

As for Stu, he has now graduated. I haven’t seen him but I’ve been trying to give myself space from him when I do; so I can concentrate on myself. What happened between us is now history; good and bad memories and I’ll leave at that. But despite our differences, I wish him well for the future. Now, I can finally let go of my anger, let go of each other and move on with our lives.

But, all these changes are subsided for now because I’m already off for the summer!

Song #1: School’s Out by Alice Cooper: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDqNHl9ACQs

This is my summer tune; in the summer, I would put it on when I’m YouTube, turn the radio up, and sing or just sing along to it when the holidays start. Nothing like a good summer classic, hey?

And before my holidays began, I managed to finish a half task:

  • Finish Sign Language Online Course
  • Revise Driving Theory
  • Book Automatic Driving Lesson
  • Research and Find Volunteer Projects in the UK or Aboard for 2016
  • Complete My Reading List
  • Organise a photography day
  • Tidy My Room
  • Keep Catching Up With My Blog
  • Do More Art – Buy A Canvas and An Easel
  • Collect all of your spare change. Then, at the end of the summer, cash it in and get something fun
  • Treat myself to a manicure and/or pedicure, or spend the day at a spa
  • Pitch a tent in the garden and camp there for the night
  • Sleep on the porch all night under the stars
  • Attempt to break a world record
  • Go for a hot air balloon ride
  • Write a novel or short story
  • Do something ‘green’ for a change
  • Make a fun summer treat like gummy bear ice pops, watermelon cookies, or campfire cones
  • Go to an amusement park
  • Take a photo every day to document your life for the summer
  • Watch a sunrise on the beach or the sunset
  • Write a handwritten letter to someone, add a stamp and mail it
  • Do something that’s completely out of your comfort zone for a change
  • Clean something you don’t normally clean — like the deck, the garage, or clean your down pillows
  • Write a letter to your current or future child (be sure to include these important things)
  • Create an idea notebook for your dream home

Not bad, hey?

I don’t know what to expect this summer, but I hope it’ll be a blast, an adventure and life changing. So I will expect the unexpected; I already have a good feeling about this. 🙂

Song #2: Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TtGY4G7II6s

This song explains my desires, dreams and hopes with this summer and the future including my creative writing. I think I can achieve everything because I’m locked on my targets. 🙂

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 9th July 2015

   
   

 

The World Famous Carven Club


    
The Queen Mary II and Titantic Memorial in Albert Dock



A deserted platform on Albert Dock.   

  
    
 

The Old White Star Line Headquarters (now a hotel), a model of the Titanic, made for the 1958 film, “A Night to Remember” at the Muesum and the Liver Buliding. 

 
   

 The Wheel of Liverpool and Paul McCartney’s house where “She Loves You” was written.

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 9th July 2015

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

9th July 2015

For ages, I’ve been dying to have a break away and take a holiday. Last weekend, I went on a short, wonderful holiday to Liverpool with Ann. We had a wonderful time, spending most of the holiday walking around the streets, Albert Docks and even eating breakfast (on the last day) in Chavasse Park, all by ourselves apart from a young, hangover couple who were asleep by the fountain.

We’ve seen the Queen Mary II, the Maritime Museum, the Vintage Festival (which took place that weekend), the world famous Carven Club where we saw two Beatles tribute bands, Albert Docks and been on The Magical Mystery Tour (Yes, there’s a tour with this name that exists. Pretty cool, huh?); on the tour, we saw all houses that Beatles members were born, and lived in, the place that inspired John Lennon to write Strawberry Fields Forever and of course Penny Lane.

Song #1: The Magical Mystery Tour by The Beatles: http://youtu.be/lDjWXf1QZ4E

This was the song that the bus played when we started the tour; not a bad way to start it, hey?

Song #2: Penny Lane by The Beatles: http://youtu.be/1FlQCtg96SQ

Again, played while we were on the tour; Ann and I had a chance to get off and take pictures before hopping back on with the other tourists.

   


Penny Lane

Song #3: Strawberry Fields Forever by The Beatles: http://youtu.be/nehRB1FTeTo

Again like “Penny Lane”, we had a chance to stop and take pictures whilst this song was playing.

   

    

Strawberry Fields


On the last day, Ann and I didn’t want to go; we were very sad that our weekend holiday was over. On the train back to London, Ann and I confessed to each other that we wanted to live in Liverpool now, as it has so many things to do and the people there were so nice. We are hoping to return again soon, maybe within a year or two.

All I can say about this trip is thank you, Liverpool; can’t wait to see you again. 😉😊


Song #4: She’s Got A Ticket to Ride by the Beatles: http://youtu.be/0IaqRVrOXiY

This was played in the Carven Club, right before Ann and I had to leave for our train to London. She said that she nearly cried, realising that we would had to go. And to be honest, I was heartbroken of leaving Liverpool too.



Note: This entry continues on another page, which I’ll post shorty. 😊

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 21st June 2015

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs

 

  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs

 

  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

“Never forget the feelings in your heart when you cross paths”.

June 2015

21st June 2015

In the words of Renee Zellweger, ‘It’s the truth universally acknowledged… that the moment one area of your life starts going OK… another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces’. And these words can’t express the news I’ve received in these last two weeks.

Just as I was settling into my new job, I discovered that Kat is moving away – in three weeks’ time. Since the New Year, I knew she was moving to the Isle of Wight but I didn’t know when, until she’d texted me one night. It was a devastation for me. Since we’ve been little girls, to the huge gap apart, to our reunion a year ago, Kat and I have always been close. With all the other girl friends I have ever had, she has been the most kind, fun and loyal. She wouldn’t hurt me, she shows me how to have fun and I always have good times with her.

When friends and classmates I knew moved away, I felt nothing. Sounds weird? Yes, but that was me. With Kat, it’s different. I have and feel no tears; just great, painful sadness. Although Kat said that she’ll visit me every six months and I can come to visit her. But will our friendship remain the same? That’s the question that has been haunting my mind lately. I haven’t told anyone else (apart from my parents) about this and I don’t know if I want too. Lately, I’ve been trying to cope. Even though life is normal, with the routines and people, I feel everything has changed (or I must be doing a good job of hiding my sadness) and no one seems to notice. Mum wants me to join an autistic social girls group, as usual and there’s more stress over at Drama school. However, Dad has told me that I should give her a present; something I can make myself. So, I will try to do this before Kat moves away, while I’m studying.

Song: I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FacDkraAvlI

This song explains my friendship with Kat; even though I’ll see her again, ‘I Will Remember You’ reflects the memories of Kat and the love I have for her as a true best friend.

Meanwhile, I’ve been extremely busy with work and family. Drama school’s been busy (with my schedule), BHF is exciting; honestly, I look forward to it more than Drama school, I’ve back to visit Blenheim Palace with Ann, and I celebrated Father’s Day at my local zoo with my father, my wonderful brother, sister-in-law and nephews. We’ve had wonderful time and like all weekends, they’ve been memorable. Just like old times with friends…