The Dreams, the Reality and the Truth

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post but it’s good to do it again. It’s never easy when you are catching up with your studies, doing YouTube videos and – other things. Time is precious thing and I want to make every moment count. That’s why I wanted to write about collaborations between dreams and reality. Mine are complicated; full of secrets, locked inside me and barriers daring to not break them – but I will.

All my life, I have always dreamt of surprising everyone. So far in my short lifetime, no one would really believe I could to anything because of my disabilities. To them, that was a sign that my loved ones should completely give up on me – I was nothing. By chance, I managed to prove them wrong. I’ve been to mainstream schools, I’ve learnt how to read, and write, I came out with GCSE’s (not fantastic results, but it’s still something), and A Levels, I’m in my final year at University, I set up a blog, I set up a YouTube Channel and now, I have a few projects in the works. I won’t give them away though. Sorry.

However, there are still may that I have to tackle; I’m sure my loved ones don’t mean to crush my spirits or tell me I shouldn’t do anything because I’m not “experienced enough”. Sometimes, I do get angry and emotional, forcing myself to shut away from the world. And it’s okay because you don’t have to be a person who smiles all the time – I get that compliment a lot as my parents taught me to be happy.

These emotions do teach me something though. Every day when I get up in the morning, I would always listen to Coldplay’s Yellow – although the song’s about one-sided love, it represents my view of the world. I don’t really understand and to be honest, I never will. But what if you create your own world and make it your oyster? It’s something that I am working on.

If parents tell you to not upload something on the Internet, go for it. (As long it’s clean though – no dirty stuff!) If teachers say that you won’t get far, prove them wrong – take courage, focus and study the subjects your love till your last breath. If someone says that you’re “not good enough”, stand up and let your inner voice be your guide. Everything is worth risking for, even the lifestyle you have for many years. I’m happy to be living penniless for a novel that’s worth publishing for. I’m happy to be travelling around the world on my own when I move out. I’m happy to save others rather than myself. And I’m happy to be different – even if I make the occasional mistakes.

This is my world and this is how I’m going to live it.

 

I know this is a short post but I wanted to get this off my mind – and my chest. It’s something that I’ve always to write for a while. Pathetic, I know but like I said before, I’m letting my inner voice be my guide.

 

Anyway, must be off. I have a lot of catching up to do. But just remember that if you are lost or alone, just pause, think and mediate. I may not be able to change you but I know that I trust you to follow your own path.

Sez 

xxx

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Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 31st July 2015

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

31st July 2015

I’m scaring myself lately. I have no idea why and I really don’t like it.

For the last two nights, I’ve noticed that I have been crying, whilst trying to get to sleep. This is unusual, it has never happened to me before. I’ll explain what happens when it occurs.

When I settle down into my bed, I close my eyes and start to dream. Next, came the voices in my head. “You’ll never! You won’t do this! You won’t do that!” Suddenly, my throat starts to screw, really tightly. So tight; I feel as if I’m struggling to breathe. Tears would then stream down my close eyelids and I wail. I try to silence myself so I won’t be able to wake up my parents. This continues between a periods of a one short fit to a full, silent cry that’ll last for ten minutes. This causes trouble for sleeping; I don’t check the times but I feel by the time I’m finished, I imagine it will be three in the morning. Then, I wake up the next morning feeling really tired.

I don’t understand why I cry and get tired when I awake up the next day. Is it my anxiety playing up again? Am I worried about something? Is it my online dating experience? Am I sacred that I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life? Am I being too clingy? Am I too high, with hopes of my so called “blind date”? Is my hormones playing up? I just don’t know. However, I do feel a lot of negativity about my love and social lives.

Should I do something about this? Should I stay off online dating for a while? Should I just give up altogether?

So many questions, so little answers. I don’t know what to do right now. I just hope that I’m not starting to suffer from depression or severe anxiety.

Song: Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For by U2 – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_ISAntOom0

 

This song explains my struggles to search for my main goals – true love and happiness, with no luck. Also, it’s like my inner soul is speaking to me, with my heart degrading and my brain, full of negative thoughts.

GuestAholic Month – A Door, A Rose.

This is my third post on GuestAholic Month, where I surprise and nominate someone by posting one favourite poem (by this person) on my channel. 🙂

This month’s nomination goes to I nominate willowdot21, whose poem ‘A door, a rose’ was beautifully written, uplifting and really romantic; just like every girl’s dream.

About the blogger

willowdot21 posts poetry and pros for her own expression. When she first started, willowdot21 only came out of hospital after she was involved in an accident. She’s been writing since.

A door, a rose

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Quite and hidden up in castle by this secret door.
Did the a young knight pick a  rose to drop on a maiden’s floor.
As evening crept across the ramparts, would she sing a sweet refrain.
Did he come to her or did she wait in vain.

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Originally written by willowdot21