When we grow,
What will happen?
When everything changes?
And nothing feels the same any more?
When we grow,
What will life show?
When we lose some?
We all love so dearly?
When we grow,
Who will be there?
And who will disappear?
When we walk through another door?
Who knows what’ll happen,
Who knows what I’ll become;
But what ever happens, I have to be strong
Because I know there’ll be more things to come.
Sunday 24th May
Ever felt that you’ve had an experience, which you have enjoyed but then you feel hurt, embarrassed and shameless about it afterwards? Well, it’s happened to me. Ever since the surprise party, I’ve been the same.
It turns out that I was wrong to give Stuart a second chance and all through these past two weeks, there has been some pretty crazy stuff, including a organisation for a reunion party, which I didn’t end up going.
This explains why I was upset last Tuesday. I thought I couldn’t do anything but after words of encouragement from my parents and learning monitor, I thought it was time to face my fears. I spoke to someone about my situation with Stuart. And when Dakota asked me if I was going to make contact with him again, I told her, “No because I don’t want too”.
In all honesty, I feel I was deeply hurt by all of this.
Also, Dakota’s friendship with me is straining when I found out that Stuart was involving her too. It’s really sad because you don’t want this kind of thing to happen. I would expect anything to happen like this, now I don’t know what to think.
Song #1 – Because of You by Kelly Clarkson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTjLxXFg0k
This song explains my past and present feelings with him. I used to listen to this song a lot when many bad things happened to me and after that Christmas. Listening to it now makes me feel that I was going back to square one again and what I can do again to move on with my life.
Song #2 – Don’t Speak by No Doubt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONg4SK39-Kg
This song explains my feelings about my friendship with Dakota right now. Even listening to it is making my heart crush. 😦
If things get emotional this week, I have to be prepared for it. But right, all I need is a holiday, so I can take the weight off of this situation.
“I’m ready to come out of my shell and face the world; how am I going to do it, I just don’t know”.
Sunday 10th May
Well, here goes the end of another weekend; time to bring on another working week. Argh! This weekend has been very productive.
Yesterday, I went shopping and I had Pret a Manger lunch with my Mum. Today, I went to Oxburgh Hall in Norfolk with Ann. And oh my goodness, the hall is beautiful.
Oxburgh is full of English countryside with lambs, and kids, trees, dens, rivers, dams and wooden cravings. The hall is beautiful too; it has very fine Medieval, Tudor and Victorian architecture. The hall even has a priest hole where visitors can go into, but it’s a very tight corner. I went inside and I took a long time to get out as I took so many pictures of the hole. After I go out, Ann was tempted to go in, but she didn’t; that was when I discovered Ann’s fear of tight corners. I don’t blame her to be honest. If you feel claustrophobic, you shouldn’t feel or be pressured to do things you don’t want to.
In between our day out, Ann and I played games after we had a picnic lunch. There was a games cupboard where visitors can play within the grounds. The games we played were noughts and crosses, jenga and ring toss. Also, we sang along to songs (mostly Motown) when we travelled to the hall and back home. Gosh, it’s so much fun having a cousin; we generally have a blast.
Song #1: Dancing in the Street by Martha and the Vandellas: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWS1j7ezqTg
This favourite, upbeat song of mine is one of the songs Ann and I played on our playlist. Originally this was the likely song I was going to use to conclude ‘Waiting For A Rainbow’, but I’ve put it there as it shows that this song is opening it’s new doors to me. Every time I listen, I love to imagine myself, walking alone in a street into the setting sun, underneath a lamp post. I don’t know why, but that’s my imagination. He-he. 🙂
One of the moat bridges, near the estate
16th Century tapestry, hand-made by Mary Queen of Scots
Entrance to the Priest Hole…
One of the woodland walks
Some of the flowers in the kitchen gardens
In between work, Ann and home, I’ve been planning on possible future holidays; Ann and I are thinking of going away on a weekend holiday to Liverpool in the summer holidays. We’ve been talking about it for a year and I cannot wait to go (if we can the plans in full swing). Also, I’m still trying to find holiday groups and NAS support workers who I could travel with for holidays too. I’m not sure how it’ll go, but I hope I’ll soon be coming out of my shell no time soon.
Song #2: I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbYcte4ZEgQ
This song explains me, bringing out my confidence and bringing more positive experiences into my life. 🙂
This song explains about me, slowly coming out of my shell in my study and social lives. And truly, I want the world to know and I’m going to let it show! 😉
- Participate In An Open Mic Night
- Practise and Travel Independently
- Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
- Do Driving Theory and Test
- Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
- Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
- Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
- Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
- Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
- Complete Kat Ashley Novel
- Help Around the House More
- Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
- Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
- Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
- Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
- Study Extra Hard at Drama School
- Do More Yoga or Mediation
- Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
- Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
- Do More Creative Writing
- Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
- Learn to Play Guitar
- Be Friendly to Everyone
- Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
- Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
- Practise Sign Language Weekly
- Cook More
- Be thankful with What I Have or Got
- Enjoy Life, As It Is
- Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming
“As one rainbow dissolves, another one reappears”.
Thursday 7th May 2015
Time flies, no matter where you are. But there’s no time like the present, so they say and it’s true. To me, the present day is like a crossroad path. When it comes to making decisions, I think of arrows.
Should you turn left, or should you turn right?
Some of the decisions we have to make are hard; in the end, you either have to learn or praise them. I’m still trying to figure out life, even if I’m twenty-one years and six days old.
Every day, I say to myself, “Now Georgina, what should you do today? Should you eat this? Should you drink that? What’s your next dance move? Should you share poetry with your peers? Should you invite this person? What can you do? Why did I make this decision?” Basically, my life is just full of questions and if I’m honest, I’m unsure if people really understand me. Today, people see an individual as a reference number or something else. However, they are those who do and accept me for who I am; my close friends and close family members especially. “I love to the moon and back”, as Sofia says. She comes up with the most amazing catchphrases ever, while some don’t.
Being a University student, I’ve learned that being inclusive is an important social skill. I’m unsure if this skill will affect University grades but whatever the results may be, I try and put in the effort to blend in. But like everyone else, I made mistakes, without meaning too. These situations, then end up with me, being ignored; I’m no stranger to this. I’ve been used to it. Also, there’ve been those who have done me wrong for reasons that are too complicated, too sensitive or just none at all. And there’ve been some who I’ve lost along the way, to which I apologise for; you guys are amazing and I’ll never forget you. From these experiences, I know that I’m afraid of myself.
Whenever I think of my fears, I reflect on my actions, the things I say, the stuff I try, my past, my future, my personality, the people I love and death. They have been holding me back for so long and I haven’t done anything about it. But, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Now, I am to begin another journey, which will hopefully lead me to graduation. (I hope.) I want to achieve more, gain more, learn more, and be more curious and creative. I don’t know where this new road will lead too, but I hope it’ll have a happy ending.
After recovering from my birthday celebrations, I went shopping on Bank Holiday Monday with Ann to spend my birthday money. Then, I started another week at Drama school.
Tuesday was extremely busy; I had lessons all day. However, one lesson was interesting; that was acting. We learned and did exercises on Jacques Lecoq’s Seven Stages of Tension, where we had interact with the feelings and act them out, as if we were on stage or screen. It was positively charming and exhausting, but the work’s been worth every minute.
Yesterday, wasn’t different either. However, I had an unusual Delivering Workshop session which involved script-writing. My peers and I were given two tasks. First, we had to write anything that came into our heads and continue writing for five minutes. Next, we had re-write our work and put them into a short scenario, involving two imagery people, named A & B. It was relaxing but I had doubts about my work. I had no idea why, I just did. All I wrote was write a poem and the scenario:
The trees and the leaves,
Whisper in the cool, windy breeze.
What rough weather we have today,
With the sunshine, keeping itself at bay.
Cold, not warm;
You must be mad,
But thank goodness it’s not winter,
Otherwise, you’re gonna feel bad.
Just five, that’s all.
Oh, why, oh why can’t we do this exercise five minutes more?
My fingers are frozen,
My hand; it aches.
But I’m glad to be in the warm
And not out there, where the breeze shakes.
A: The trees and the leaves, whisper in the cool, windy breeze.
B: Yes, I know. I’ve heard it all before.
A: What rough weather we have today, with the sunshine, keeping itself at bay.
B: It’s more wild than rough, I’d say. Is it warm, yet?
A: Cold, not warm. You must be mad!
B: Mad? Mad? I’m not the only mad person in this room!
A: But thank goodness it’s not winter, otherwise, you’re gonna feel bad.
B: I suppose so. Anyway, where’s that sun lotion?
A: Five minutes.
B: Not ten?
A: Just five, that’s all.
A: Oh, why, oh why can’t we do this exercise five minutes more?
A: My fingers are frozen.
A: My hand, it aches.
B: I don’t get it.
A: But I’m glad to be in the warm and not out there, where the breeze shakes.
B: Are you telling me this is an Open Mic night? Oh, I’m such a muppet!
Err… Err… I don’t know.
Aside from lessons, my Drama school is keeping me busy; I’ve been asked by my teachers to share ideas for delivering workshops for my peers and children and on top of that, I’ve been catching up on homework.
And today was the General Election. I have already placed my vote at my local polling station with my family and in between, we came across a friendly conservative campaigner who was willing to talk to us before he signed us in. Now, we all we have to do is wait. Wait and see what happens…
“There’ll be times that’ll go wrong; you may feel like a failure. But there’s a light, shining inside of you. That’s your faith telling you, ‘Hey, its okay. Try again cause you will get through this’. And that’s what I’m going to do – try again”.
Wednesday 1st April
March didn’t start well; I’ve been emotionally down as the same people who wouldn’t allow me to have my personal space, started violating in order to get my attention (and maybe a reaction).When I have these situations, I do my best to ignore them, but there are some who just wouldn’t leave me alone!The things they do to me are really, really bad. I had my hips grabbed and squeezed very tightly while I was eating my food; this left me in pain for a day,I have had my neck grabbed too, but it felt like someone was attempting to strangle me, I’ve been poked in the back and on one occasion, I’ve had someone, using their elbow to press onto my skull. All of these situations have happened behind the teachers’ backs and when they are lots of people around.
I started to feel frustrated and really anxious, in case they would try and go for me again. Also, I have begun to step away from nearly all my peers and friends, hide in corners, standing near doors and wondering by myself around the school. None of the teachers have noticed my behaviour (yet), but I have told my parents and learning monitor.
When I explain my problems, I would always let them out in frustration because that’s the only way I can let it all out. However, I’ve noticed that Mum was fed up of listening to me lately.She told me that I have been rude and becoming a control freak; instead, she said I should just stop complaining and keep saying “No”, so the people can stop picking on me. I could easily see that Mum’s advice wasn’t going to help because every time I did, they’ll still pick on me.
Song #1: Land Of Confusion by Genesis: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZujuYiweht8
This song explains about my difficulties at Drama school and home, while I’ve been publishing articles on my blog.
At the same time, most of my peers were ignoring me. I then decided to give myself personal space and do creative writing; this caused a lot of attention. And in a good way. I realised that there were really interested and I even got praised for my work. This helped me to boost my confidence. Next, I tried mixing with my peers, politely asking them to join in their conversations. I normally do this, but I usually don’t get a response or just a simple “yeah”. However, they were very accepting; I even had discussions and debates about various subjects. Since then, I’ve not looked back; old friendships have rekindled and new friendships have been made.
12 Angry Men was a huge success. Sometimes, we had a small audience; one show was tiny since we performed on Mother’s Day. Mostly, we had sold out shows and on the opening night, we had a standing ovation, which is very unusual. When the show finished, we had positive feedback from the audience and in our evaluation session. I couldn’t have been more proud.
Song #2: Let In the Sun by Take That: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhG6pZIlhZQ
This song was new at this time and I would frequently listen to it when I was travelling to Drama school. Then, I realised it was a message, telling me to open myself and keep smiling. And I’m glad I did. 🙂
Towards the end of the spring term, I was attempted to participate in a special class at Drama school. This session is called Playhouse. Playhouse allows where students and staff to share their work they’ve done outside of the school; it takes place every term. At the last minute, I submitted a play, (which is early in development). I have written a short monologue. Finding directors and actors weren’t easy but E agreed to perform while another girl in my year agreed to direct. I did manage to find an actress, who agreed to participate as my main character. However, the actress said that she had to do something. Despite that, she said she wanted to do this. Within days leading to the session, I didn’t get any response from the actress when I tried to send things to her. On the day, she didn’t turn up. This meant, I had to leave my piece and I went home.
Song #3: True Colours by Phil Collins: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4txwNwz_MP8
I would listen to this song whenever I feel down. Although I like Cyndi Lauper’s version, I love this version more because it makes me feel better, like Phil Collins is telling a story.
Next day, the actress apologised out of the blue and I didn’t know what to do. True, I was worried and stressed that she wasn’t responding to me but I was in a real sticky situation. I asked my Mum for advice; in the end I accepted the actress’ apology and said I was thinking of her.I haven’t seen her since. I learned an important lesson that day. Although these things happen, I just have to accept, carry on and try again.Sometimes, it’s best to forgive others even if it’s hard not to.
On that same afternoon, I went in Drama school for a lesson. I then broke up for Easter.
When I finished my spring term, I did things and I visited people. I took Mum out for a late Mother’s Day dinner with Dad, I went out to dinner with T at our, new local Frankie & Benny’s restaurant, had a few girly day outings with A, went to a lecture in my local library about Elizabeth I and Walter Raleigh; there is a novel about them and the author was presenting it. Also, I had been tidying my bedroom, catching up on my writing, and homework and I did some gardening. I normally don’t do this but one day, I asked Mum if she needed help; in the end, I ended up planting Lily of the Valley bulbs in our back garden. I was so proud of myself.
Now I’m off, I have to focus getting ready for the summer term and prepare for what lies ahead. In March, I learned that T is moving away; I don’t know when she’ll move but I know that I have to spend more time with her beforehand. Also, I have to prepare for my second year. I cannot believe I nearly finished my first year already. And doing this while I catch up on my creative writing and homework. Life’s too short to stand still, so I’m going to take risks and try to make the rest of it.
Song #4: Over the Rainbow by Eva Cassidy: https://vimeo.com/51146842
During March, we had lots of rainy days and rainbows appearing. I guess, they were reminding me that there is still hope and I shouldn’t give up. I grew up with this song and it always reminds me that I should never stop chasing my dreams. This song was the inspiration for the title, “Waiting For A Rainbow”, so I have many reasons to put this in. XD
Note: This is a poem I have written. However, this has taken me two years to write; although I’m unhappy about it, I thought I would share it away. Hope you enjoy it. 🙂
When you’re down and
You need a hand, through it all;
God, the saints and the angels will be here
To help and guide you when you are in trouble.
Take some time to relax
And to rediscover yourself.
Whither your life will be long or short,
Make it memorable, treasure each day and forever more.
Never forget who you are,
Always be true to yourself,
Have faith, spread your wings
And learn how to fly.