Questions on Life 

Quick question:

What does a person do if they don’t expect the unexpected? 

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The Dreams, the Reality and the Truth

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post but it’s good to do it again. It’s never easy when you are catching up with your studies, doing YouTube videos and – other things. Time is precious thing and I want to make every moment count. That’s why I wanted to write about collaborations between dreams and reality. Mine are complicated; full of secrets, locked inside me and barriers daring to not break them – but I will.

All my life, I have always dreamt of surprising everyone. So far in my short lifetime, no one would really believe I could to anything because of my disabilities. To them, that was a sign that my loved ones should completely give up on me – I was nothing. By chance, I managed to prove them wrong. I’ve been to mainstream schools, I’ve learnt how to read, and write, I came out with GCSE’s (not fantastic results, but it’s still something), and A Levels, I’m in my final year at University, I set up a blog, I set up a YouTube Channel and now, I have a few projects in the works. I won’t give them away though. Sorry.

However, there are still may that I have to tackle; I’m sure my loved ones don’t mean to crush my spirits or tell me I shouldn’t do anything because I’m not “experienced enough”. Sometimes, I do get angry and emotional, forcing myself to shut away from the world. And it’s okay because you don’t have to be a person who smiles all the time – I get that compliment a lot as my parents taught me to be happy.

These emotions do teach me something though. Every day when I get up in the morning, I would always listen to Coldplay’s Yellow – although the song’s about one-sided love, it represents my view of the world. I don’t really understand and to be honest, I never will. But what if you create your own world and make it your oyster? It’s something that I am working on.

If parents tell you to not upload something on the Internet, go for it. (As long it’s clean though – no dirty stuff!) If teachers say that you won’t get far, prove them wrong – take courage, focus and study the subjects your love till your last breath. If someone says that you’re “not good enough”, stand up and let your inner voice be your guide. Everything is worth risking for, even the lifestyle you have for many years. I’m happy to be living penniless for a novel that’s worth publishing for. I’m happy to be travelling around the world on my own when I move out. I’m happy to save others rather than myself. And I’m happy to be different – even if I make the occasional mistakes.

This is my world and this is how I’m going to live it.

 

I know this is a short post but I wanted to get this off my mind – and my chest. It’s something that I’ve always to write for a while. Pathetic, I know but like I said before, I’m letting my inner voice be my guide.

 

Anyway, must be off. I have a lot of catching up to do. But just remember that if you are lost or alone, just pause, think and mediate. I may not be able to change you but I know that I trust you to follow your own path.

Sez 

xxx

New Term, New Me

This week has been really busy. After returning to school with a first week of rehearsals, I’m now back rehearsing and studying. Honestly, I don’t know how I can keep up with myself. It can be hard when you are a student, a YouTuber and Blogger under one belt but once you get used to it, it’ll all be fine.

Since I have started again for the Spring term, I have decided to renew myself by scheduling a life plan. It was recommended to me by my Support Worker, after we discussed what targets I would like to achieve within the Next Year. Sounds like a good idea, but it’s not as easy as you think it might be. All it takes (normally) is courage and inspiration. To do that, all you have to do is open your inner self.

Life isn’t easy, nor is a personality change. And is taking the easy road the only option in everyone’s lifetime? In reality, it’s not because when you think about it, changing yourself can be a new self discovery. The world has available choices for us; to decide who we want to be and what we want during our lifetime. And they don’t call it a challenge for nothing. Most famous people we know had to face many challenges to get where they are today. So, why should we let our same, old selves get in the way of our dreams?

Although I am in the middle stage, I feel that I want to carry on and explore myself a bit more. Studying, fashion; you name it. And I want to share this journey with you.

So, here are my top new changes I want to do this year.

Read a Good, Commutative Self-Help Book

Already got it in the bag. 😉 At the moment, I’m reading Be Your Own Fairytale by Alison Davies, who helps readers gain their confidence, through fairytales. Very good, and highly recommend it especially if you are into fairytales.

Keep a Journal

Again, got it in the bag. I always keep a few journals, plus my blog.

Try to Reach Out of Your Comfort Zone

Going through this process, at the moment. But mostly in Drama school. I want to try and be the best I can be, by going out of my comfort zone.

Be Inspired

This aim is a tricky one. However, I’m trying to be inspired by reading. I’m keen to study characters who have silmar lives to me like Harriet from the Geek Girl Series and Penny from the Girl Online Series. Then with the situations they go through and how they deal with them, I can reflect mine and see how I can resolve them as well.

Write a Life Plan

Nearly finished on this one. Before I started, I found a very useful How To page by wikihow that gave advice on how to draw one up:

http://m.wikihow.com/Write-a-Life-Plan

And I’ve never looked back.

Try to Be Honest About Myself

A work in progress.

A new me and a new start. An excellent progress if I do say so myself.

Now, it’s over to you. Are you looking to start any new targets? If so, what would you like to achieve and why? I would love to hear your aims for this year.

That’s all for now and don’t forget to look out for my YouTube channel and blog this February for new posts. 😃

Sez
Xx

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – 9th June 2015

                                                                                                                                                                         9th June 2015

Half-term has been and gone; I had to go into Drama school, but luckily it was only for a day. On the last Friday of May, my Mum and I managed to go away for a small weekend holiday to the South West coast of England. My eldest cousin, Freya lives down there as well as my Uncle and Auntie. They just recently moved after my Uncle came out of retirement last year. Their house is stunning; its in a village, the middle of the countryside, with wondrous landscapes of farmland and (what I think it might be) a deserted part of bridge from an old railway line. It is truly remarkable. For the entire weekend, they have been brilliant hosts; they showed us the nearby towns, beaches and a private bluebell wood on the borders of Somerset where my uncle cuts wood before turning it into furniture or wooden bird boxes. My uncle even took me star gazing; there we saw the moon, and it’s lunar craters, half of Venus, stars tailing behind planets, and patterns (through the microscope; the one star I saw had a beautiful pattern, forming as a Celtic cross) and Jupiter. Jupiter was incredible; looking up close with the White ball and two reddish orange strips, you would think that it was a giant marble.

My weekend away was amazing. I didn’t want to leave; I wanted to say forever and ever. But I couldn’t, as I had to go back to Drama school.

Lately, Drama school has been a fair mixture but at the moment, I’m experiencing some negativity. This negative experience is due to not being respected. Every time I am talking, delivering a speech, etc., I find that my peers are laughing at my warm up vocals (were I yawn loudly and stretch to increase my energy) or laughing at something else, or talking whilst I’m sharing or delivering pieces of work. I’ve been through these situations before when I was at school, so I’m no stranger to being invisible.

Also, I’ve noticed this week and last week that my anxiety have increased unexpectedly. I tired everything; breathing excerises, mediation, etc. But nothing’s working. I don’t know why this keeps on happening – it just appears from out of the blue. Everything like keeping with work, trying to work hard and socialising with my peers whilst working has made me feel stressed, tired and now, I’m ill.

I almost fainted during a dance lesson today, due to anxiety and lack of confidence. Now, I’m in bed, resting. Am I pushing myself too much? Am I lacking in work? I know something’s wrong with me and my world, I feel, is crumbling down, brick by brick. I don’t know what to do – the written work seems fine and my friends are talking to me. I just don’t understand myself.

When We Grow

When we grow,

What will happen?

When everything changes?

And nothing feels the same any more?

When we grow,

What will life show?

When we lose some?

We all love so dearly?

When we grow,

Who will be there?

And who will disappear?

When we walk through another door?

Who knows what’ll happen,

Who knows what I’ll become;

But what ever happens, I have to be strong

Because I know there’ll be more things to come.

© 2015

Waiting For A Rainbow – Catching Dreams – Sunday 24th May 2015

Sunday 24th May

Ever felt that you’ve had an experience, which you have enjoyed but then you feel hurt, embarrassed and shameless about it afterwards? Well, it’s happened to me. Ever since the surprise party, I’ve been the same.

It turns out that I was wrong to give Stuart a second chance and all through these past two weeks, there has been  some pretty crazy stuff, including a organisation for a reunion party, which I didn’t end up going.

This explains why I was upset last Tuesday. I thought I couldn’t do anything but after words of encouragement from my parents and learning monitor, I thought it was time to face my fears. I spoke to someone about my situation with Stuart. And when Dakota asked me if I was going to make contact with him again, I told her, “No because I don’t want too”.

In all honesty, I feel I was deeply hurt by all of this. 

Also, Dakota’s friendship with me is straining when I found out that Stuart was involving her too. It’s really sad because you don’t want this kind of thing to happen. I would expect anything to happen like this, now I don’t know what to think.

Song #1 – Because of You by Kelly Clarkson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTTjLxXFg0k

This song explains my past and present feelings with him. I used to listen to this song a lot when many bad things happened to me and after that Christmas. Listening to it now makes me feel that I was going back to square one again and what I can do again to move on with my life. 

Song #2 – Don’t Speak by No Doubt: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONg4SK39-Kg

This song explains my feelings about my friendship with Dakota right now. Even listening to it is making my heart crush. 😦 

If things get emotional this week, I have to be prepared for it. But right, all I need is a holiday, so I can take the weight off of this situation.

Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams – Friday 15th May 2015

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

Friday 15th May

Another weekend has officially begun. Well, mine started yesterday. But hey, a weekend is a weekend. This week has been a mixture; there’ve been good days, bad days and some pretty puzzling days.

Monday morning began with a rotten start; I thought I was alone since none of my peers wanted to talk me because they ignored me for reason. But, some of them did talk to me, but their conversations weren’t positive. Mostly annoying. So during a long two hour lunch break, I went to a nearby town near my Drama school and spent my first hour at a Costa coffee shop, where I did my homework. Then, I returned to the school for the second half, where I alarmingly found A, who was looking really pale. He was just recovering from an epileptic fit and Na was looking after him. So, I decided to look after A with Nathan until his mother came to pick him up to take him home. While we were waiting, the three of us talked about random stuff and had a few giggles.

At lunch break on Tuesday, I was doing homework when Da suddenly told me to come outside. In slight confusion, I came into the school’s garden where Na told me turn my back and look at him. A few minutes later, Na told me to look behind me. Then, I saw Da, Jac, A, L, So and a new friend, Ro gathered around in a semi-circle with birthday cake, right in front of them. It was a wonderful surprise, as I discovered that they all planned a surprise belated birthday party for me. Then, I saw a recognisable figure, who was holding a bouquet of red roses in his hand; it was boy who I distanced myself nearly two Christmases ago.

‘Happy Birthday, Georgina and I just want to say, I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me?’

I was in so much shock that I wasn’t sure how to respond. Then, I realised that the feud has gone long enough and he was going to graduate this summer, so I couldn’t stay mad at him for much longer. In the end, I accepted his apology; all of my friends cheered and applauded. Even Na said, ‘I do love a happy ending’. For the rest of the break, we had conversations and had slices of birthday cake. We all had an amazing time.

Then in my dance lesson, my classmates and I had to complete a task – to choreograph dance routines from three slavery poems that’ve been written by members of our year. And in my group, one of my poems, Our Slavery was picked! Although I was happy, I knew my peers were going to alternate the piece either with or without the poem. So, I was taking a big gamble. I stood back and let my group take over, but all of them don’t know that I wrote it. Their ideas, though are pretty amazing and our piece is looking good so far.

On Wednesday, it was Monday morning all over again. Our delivering workshop session didn’t go too well. Nearly all of my classmates didn’t understand the lesson because it wasn’t explained properly and some of them were ill and grumpy. I was so stressed and puzzled that I wanted to go home. Never in all my days at Drama school that I wanted to the weekend to start so quickly.

When I came home, Mum and I had a talk about the boy (who we’ll call Stu). After a discussion, we concluded that even though it was kind of Stu to apologise, its best that we should remain friends and not go out together again. Just in case if he breaks his promise. At the party, he said that he’ll never hurt me again. We even shook hands on it. I have to be careful and aware; otherwise I’ll be back to square one again. I also have be careful of Da, who was really keen for Stu and me to get back together. Does she mean to make us start dating? I hope not; she’s already thinking of organising a reunion party with all of friends. I said I didn’t need the party because seeing my friends is more than enough for me. Hopefully, everything will be alright but I already have a bad feeling in my gut already. Was it the right thing to do? I’m so unsure right now.

Song #1: I’m Not In Love by 10cc – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln86-fteBOc

This song explains my new feelings towards Stu; it just simply explains my new uncertainty and confusion towards this new step. 

On Thursday evening, I had a vocal rehearsal with two members of Blue Tea Rose, Ellie and Patrick at my house. The rehearsal was complicated; I’ve never done backing vocals before and it was hard to separate my vocals from Ellie’s. So, we all decided that I should stick to two, three or four songs to sing backing vocals and one song I can sing as the lead! So, I’m trying to find songs I could sing with the band backing me. I’m hoping to find one by the next rehearsal because I don’t want to be stuck before our next gig.

I’ve been writing a lot of assignments lately; I discovered this week that I have to complete a two thousand word report on my entire University course and finish it before next year. Although I don’t need to start yet, my learning monitor, and friends have suggested that I should make a start.

Also, my learning monitor is keen for me to learn how to book holidays independently with Ann. I guess she’s keen for me to come out of my shell, which is really good. Plus, I have to write a new bucket list, and bring into our session next week; this list will help me to build my confidence.

Song #2: Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGR9bQh-kpk

This song explains my quest for finding independence and taking the next steps in life.  

That’s pretty much I have to say. Now, I’ll have to sleep and get ready for Ann. Tomorrow, we’re going out for lunch and then to the cinema to see A Royal Night Out. We cannot wait; we should be in for a real treat. 🙂