What does a person do if they don’t expect the unexpected?
What does a person do if they don’t expect the unexpected?
It’s been a while since I’ve written a post but it’s good to do it again. It’s never easy when you are catching up with your studies, doing YouTube videos and – other things. Time is precious thing and I want to make every moment count. That’s why I wanted to write about collaborations between dreams and reality. Mine are complicated; full of secrets, locked inside me and barriers daring to not break them – but I will.
All my life, I have always dreamt of surprising everyone. So far in my short lifetime, no one would really believe I could to anything because of my disabilities. To them, that was a sign that my loved ones should completely give up on me – I was nothing. By chance, I managed to prove them wrong. I’ve been to mainstream schools, I’ve learnt how to read, and write, I came out with GCSE’s (not fantastic results, but it’s still something), and A Levels, I’m in my final year at University, I set up a blog, I set up a YouTube Channel and now, I have a few projects in the works. I won’t give them away though. Sorry.
However, there are still may that I have to tackle; I’m sure my loved ones don’t mean to crush my spirits or tell me I shouldn’t do anything because I’m not “experienced enough”. Sometimes, I do get angry and emotional, forcing myself to shut away from the world. And it’s okay because you don’t have to be a person who smiles all the time – I get that compliment a lot as my parents taught me to be happy.
These emotions do teach me something though. Every day when I get up in the morning, I would always listen to Coldplay’s Yellow – although the song’s about one-sided love, it represents my view of the world. I don’t really understand and to be honest, I never will. But what if you create your own world and make it your oyster? It’s something that I am working on.
If parents tell you to not upload something on the Internet, go for it. (As long it’s clean though – no dirty stuff!) If teachers say that you won’t get far, prove them wrong – take courage, focus and study the subjects your love till your last breath. If someone says that you’re “not good enough”, stand up and let your inner voice be your guide. Everything is worth risking for, even the lifestyle you have for many years. I’m happy to be living penniless for a novel that’s worth publishing for. I’m happy to be travelling around the world on my own when I move out. I’m happy to save others rather than myself. And I’m happy to be different – even if I make the occasional mistakes.
This is my world and this is how I’m going to live it.
I know this is a short post but I wanted to get this off my mind – and my chest. It’s something that I’ve always to write for a while. Pathetic, I know but like I said before, I’m letting my inner voice be my guide.
Anyway, must be off. I have a lot of catching up to do. But just remember that if you are lost or alone, just pause, think and mediate. I may not be able to change you but I know that I trust you to follow your own path.
Another strange post; kind of like a social situation, slash aspiration, slash query and I…
Alright, skip that. I won’t bore you any longer; I’ll move on to the main topic.
Nearly a month ago, I signed up to a social networking site; this site isn’t just a dating site. Apart from finding potential partners, this site can helpers users find new friends and buddies to hang out with. I won’t say the name of this site because a) I’m not advertising this website b) I like to keep some details private, and c) I’m not sure if the site will appreciate sharing their URL link and information on my blog. Anyway, I have been searching and meeting people for a chat – most of them have failed and there was one who wanted to contact me, via WhatsApp. I wasn’t a user, but I was really interested in contacting him. So, I asked my Dad to download the app and there we had it; I started contacting him! 🙂 I’ve been in contact with him for two weeks now. Most of our conversations have been sending and asking silly, and personal questions and once, we sent YouTube videos to each other. We’ve been trying to keep our conversations interesting and so far, it’s been going great. 🙂 However, I cannot guarantee if he will be my future love, but I may prove myself wrong; I may not. Until that moment happens, all I can do is wait, think and … wonder…
But, I have a certain thing to ask – despite being unsure if a person you’ll meet on a social networking site counts as a blind date – who is supposed to ask to meet up for a first meeting and how long it’ll take before that person says, ‘hey, let’s meet up’? If it’s the girl, eek! If it’s the boy, hmm…
So, have any of you guys had experience of meeting someone online and how did you deal with the first meet-up? Also, what are your tips for managing anxiety on a meet up and/or first date? Please let me know in the comments section below – I would love to hear from you guys. 🙂 Gigi Xxxx
Why do you laugh at me?
When I’m working very hard?
Do you think something’s funny?
When I’m trying to work and do my part?
Why do you laugh at something else?
When I’m trying to push, show and share?
Your laughter is making me feel anxious
And I carry more weight than I can bear.
I’ve lost faith and hope,
No matter how I tried;
“It’s no use”, I said,
So, I broke down and cried.
So the next time you see me,
Just let to let you know,
If you are going to laugh and crow,
Stop, think and see
The girl and her feelings (even though you can’t see).
9th June 2015
Half-term has been and gone; I had to go into Drama school, but luckily it was only for a day. On the last Friday of May, my Mum and I managed to go away for a small weekend holiday to the South West coast of England. My eldest cousin, Freya lives down there as well as my Uncle and Auntie. They just recently moved after my Uncle came out of retirement last year. Their house is stunning; its in a village, the middle of the countryside, with wondrous landscapes of farmland and (what I think it might be) a deserted part of bridge from an old railway line. It is truly remarkable. For the entire weekend, they have been brilliant hosts; they showed us the nearby towns, beaches and a private bluebell wood on the borders of Somerset where my uncle cuts wood before turning it into furniture or wooden bird boxes. My uncle even took me star gazing; there we saw the moon, and it’s lunar craters, half of Venus, stars tailing behind planets, and patterns (through the microscope; the one star I saw had a beautiful pattern, forming as a Celtic cross) and Jupiter. Jupiter was incredible; looking up close with the White ball and two reddish orange strips, you would think that it was a giant marble.
My weekend away was amazing. I didn’t want to leave; I wanted to say forever and ever. But I couldn’t, as I had to go back to Drama school.
Lately, Drama school has been a fair mixture but at the moment, I’m experiencing some negativity. This negative experience is due to not being respected. Every time I am talking, delivering a speech, etc., I find that my peers are laughing at my warm up vocals (were I yawn loudly and stretch to increase my energy) or laughing at something else, or talking whilst I’m sharing or delivering pieces of work. I’ve been through these situations before when I was at school, so I’m no stranger to being invisible.
Also, I’ve noticed this week and last week that my anxiety have increased unexpectedly. I tired everything; breathing excerises, mediation, etc. But nothing’s working. I don’t know why this keeps on happening – it just appears from out of the blue. Everything like keeping with work, trying to work hard and socialising with my peers whilst working has made me feel stressed, tired and now, I’m ill.
I almost fainted during a dance lesson today, due to anxiety and lack of confidence. Now, I’m in bed, resting. Am I pushing myself too much? Am I lacking in work? I know something’s wrong with me and my world, I feel, is crumbling down, brick by brick. I don’t know what to do – the written work seems fine and my friends are talking to me. I just don’t understand myself.
Tuesday 19th May
Social life has been crap today. I’m too stressed, upset and confused; I can’t even look at last week’s roses anymore and I had to bin them.
I can’t talk to anyone, not even for advice. I can’t trust myself for speaking to Ann or any of my friends. I feel I want to run away, but I can’t; I’m so afraid to stand up for myself. I just don’t know what to do. Should I write a letter or should I write something down, then talk to him? I don’t know if I can take on this. My mum says that I’m an adult, but inside, I’m just a kid who is longing for advice. Oh my god, I feel like crying again. I don’t know what to do. 😥
Friday 15th May
Another weekend has officially begun. Well, mine started yesterday. But hey, a weekend is a weekend. This week has been a mixture; there’ve been good days, bad days and some pretty puzzling days.
Monday morning began with a rotten start; I thought I was alone since none of my peers wanted to talk me because they ignored me for reason. But, some of them did talk to me, but their conversations weren’t positive. Mostly annoying. So during a long two hour lunch break, I went to a nearby town near my Drama school and spent my first hour at a Costa coffee shop, where I did my homework. Then, I returned to the school for the second half, where I alarmingly found A, who was looking really pale. He was just recovering from an epileptic fit and Na was looking after him. So, I decided to look after A with Nathan until his mother came to pick him up to take him home. While we were waiting, the three of us talked about random stuff and had a few giggles.
At lunch break on Tuesday, I was doing homework when Da suddenly told me to come outside. In slight confusion, I came into the school’s garden where Na told me turn my back and look at him. A few minutes later, Na told me to look behind me. Then, I saw Da, Jac, A, L, So and a new friend, Ro gathered around in a semi-circle with birthday cake, right in front of them. It was a wonderful surprise, as I discovered that they all planned a surprise belated birthday party for me. Then, I saw a recognisable figure, who was holding a bouquet of red roses in his hand; it was boy who I distanced myself nearly two Christmases ago.
‘Happy Birthday, Georgina and I just want to say, I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me?’
I was in so much shock that I wasn’t sure how to respond. Then, I realised that the feud has gone long enough and he was going to graduate this summer, so I couldn’t stay mad at him for much longer. In the end, I accepted his apology; all of my friends cheered and applauded. Even Na said, ‘I do love a happy ending’. For the rest of the break, we had conversations and had slices of birthday cake. We all had an amazing time.
Then in my dance lesson, my classmates and I had to complete a task – to choreograph dance routines from three slavery poems that’ve been written by members of our year. And in my group, one of my poems, Our Slavery was picked! Although I was happy, I knew my peers were going to alternate the piece either with or without the poem. So, I was taking a big gamble. I stood back and let my group take over, but all of them don’t know that I wrote it. Their ideas, though are pretty amazing and our piece is looking good so far.
On Wednesday, it was Monday morning all over again. Our delivering workshop session didn’t go too well. Nearly all of my classmates didn’t understand the lesson because it wasn’t explained properly and some of them were ill and grumpy. I was so stressed and puzzled that I wanted to go home. Never in all my days at Drama school that I wanted to the weekend to start so quickly.
When I came home, Mum and I had a talk about the boy (who we’ll call Stu). After a discussion, we concluded that even though it was kind of Stu to apologise, its best that we should remain friends and not go out together again. Just in case if he breaks his promise. At the party, he said that he’ll never hurt me again. We even shook hands on it. I have to be careful and aware; otherwise I’ll be back to square one again. I also have be careful of Da, who was really keen for Stu and me to get back together. Does she mean to make us start dating? I hope not; she’s already thinking of organising a reunion party with all of friends. I said I didn’t need the party because seeing my friends is more than enough for me. Hopefully, everything will be alright but I already have a bad feeling in my gut already. Was it the right thing to do? I’m so unsure right now.
Song #1: I’m Not In Love by 10cc – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ln86-fteBOc
This song explains my new feelings towards Stu; it just simply explains my new uncertainty and confusion towards this new step.
On Thursday evening, I had a vocal rehearsal with two members of Blue Tea Rose, Ellie and Patrick at my house. The rehearsal was complicated; I’ve never done backing vocals before and it was hard to separate my vocals from Ellie’s. So, we all decided that I should stick to two, three or four songs to sing backing vocals and one song I can sing as the lead! So, I’m trying to find songs I could sing with the band backing me. I’m hoping to find one by the next rehearsal because I don’t want to be stuck before our next gig.
I’ve been writing a lot of assignments lately; I discovered this week that I have to complete a two thousand word report on my entire University course and finish it before next year. Although I don’t need to start yet, my learning monitor, and friends have suggested that I should make a start.
Also, my learning monitor is keen for me to learn how to book holidays independently with Ann. I guess she’s keen for me to come out of my shell, which is really good. Plus, I have to write a new bucket list, and bring into our session next week; this list will help me to build my confidence.
Song #2: Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGR9bQh-kpk
This song explains my quest for finding independence and taking the next steps in life.
That’s pretty much I have to say. Now, I’ll have to sleep and get ready for Ann. Tomorrow, we’re going out for lunch and then to the cinema to see A Royal Night Out. We cannot wait; we should be in for a real treat. 🙂