The Dreams, the Reality and the Truth

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post but it’s good to do it again. It’s never easy when you are catching up with your studies, doing YouTube videos and – other things. Time is precious thing and I want to make every moment count. That’s why I wanted to write about collaborations between dreams and reality. Mine are complicated; full of secrets, locked inside me and barriers daring to not break them – but I will.

All my life, I have always dreamt of surprising everyone. So far in my short lifetime, no one would really believe I could to anything because of my disabilities. To them, that was a sign that my loved ones should completely give up on me – I was nothing. By chance, I managed to prove them wrong. I’ve been to mainstream schools, I’ve learnt how to read, and write, I came out with GCSE’s (not fantastic results, but it’s still something), and A Levels, I’m in my final year at University, I set up a blog, I set up a YouTube Channel and now, I have a few projects in the works. I won’t give them away though. Sorry.

However, there are still may that I have to tackle; I’m sure my loved ones don’t mean to crush my spirits or tell me I shouldn’t do anything because I’m not “experienced enough”. Sometimes, I do get angry and emotional, forcing myself to shut away from the world. And it’s okay because you don’t have to be a person who smiles all the time – I get that compliment a lot as my parents taught me to be happy.

These emotions do teach me something though. Every day when I get up in the morning, I would always listen to Coldplay’s Yellow – although the song’s about one-sided love, it represents my view of the world. I don’t really understand and to be honest, I never will. But what if you create your own world and make it your oyster? It’s something that I am working on.

If parents tell you to not upload something on the Internet, go for it. (As long it’s clean though – no dirty stuff!) If teachers say that you won’t get far, prove them wrong – take courage, focus and study the subjects your love till your last breath. If someone says that you’re “not good enough”, stand up and let your inner voice be your guide. Everything is worth risking for, even the lifestyle you have for many years. I’m happy to be living penniless for a novel that’s worth publishing for. I’m happy to be travelling around the world on my own when I move out. I’m happy to save others rather than myself. And I’m happy to be different – even if I make the occasional mistakes.

This is my world and this is how I’m going to live it.

 

I know this is a short post but I wanted to get this off my mind – and my chest. It’s something that I’ve always to write for a while. Pathetic, I know but like I said before, I’m letting my inner voice be my guide.

 

Anyway, must be off. I have a lot of catching up to do. But just remember that if you are lost or alone, just pause, think and mediate. I may not be able to change you but I know that I trust you to follow your own path.

Sez 

xxx

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Waiting For A Rainbow: Catching Dreams: 23rd August

Bucket List

  • Participate In An Open Mic Night
  • Practise and Travel Independently
  • Go On More Holidays (Local and Aboard)
  • Do Driving Theory and Test
  • Look For Voluntary Weekend Jobs
  • Sign Up For Activities/Volunteer Jobs
  • Talk More Openly About Anxiety Issues
  • Make Sure to Return Library Books on Time
  • Go To Bed At An Earlier Time, Rather than Later
  • Complete Kat Ashley Novel
  • Help Around the House More
  • Do More Drawing and Photography and Zentangles
  • Plan for the Future; Look into Independent Living, Work Places, etc.
  • Work on Anxiety, Drama and Vocal Exercises
  • Cut Down on Fizzy Drinks
  • Study Extra Hard at Drama School
  • Do More Yoga or Mediation
  • Open Up My Imagination A Bit More
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Say “No”
  • Do More Creative Writing
  • Be A Zoo Keeper For A Day
  • Learn to Play Guitar
  • Be Friendly to Everyone
  • Don’t Be Afraid to Share Ideas with Teachers
  • Do Extra Work with UniversalExtra
  • Practise Sign Language Weekly
  • Cook More
  • Be thankful with What I Have or Got
  • Enjoy Life, As It Is
  • Keep On Believing and Never Stop Dreaming

23rd  August 2015

Haven’t written an entry in a while (really bad of me, I know); I’ve been constantly distracted by my blog, as I am trying to expand it a little bit more; I have also been away on holidays to the South West, including making my return to the OneWorld Festival – I had a expectational time! I even made new friends this year, and made contact with them. I feel like the happiest girl in the world. 🙂 And on top of this, I have been planning and planning: schedules to meet friends and researching presents for upcoming birthdays. Although I’m trying to keep myself busy, I feel my life is going down hill; again.

It all started while I was down on holiday to Dorset – for weeks and weeks, Dad has been practising for the next gig for Blue Tea Rose, which is next week. As the first one was a complete success, the band decided that I should sing a solo of my own! So between May and this month, I’ve been trying to something. In the end, Dad and I went with Valerie by the great, late Amy Winehouse. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to practise with the band. However, while we were away, I noticed Dad’s change of decision. I began to realise that he begun to attend to rehearsals without me, saying I wasn’t needed. So while we were away, I asked him, ‘Why?’

He told me that there was no point of me singing because I cannot sing the correct backing vocals. ‘You keep on reaching the same notes as the lead singer and you’re not supposed to do that’.

I then told him very calmly, ‘I know I struggle and its hard, but I try. If only you could have let me go to more rehearsals and give me a chance, I’ll learn to be better backing vocalist’.

‘No, it’s not possible’.

And that was that; Dad concluded the conversation, with no explanation; and through this, I knew that was the end of my career with Blue Tea Rose. And you know what, I have never been so disappointed about my father before – losing faith in his own daughter is the most heart-breaking thing a human being can imagine. And the worst part of it is that I’ve got the chance to make my own decision or saying goodbye to all of the band members, who’ve been so kind to me.

Next, came Universal Extra. During the summer, I tried my hardest to gain my experience, as an actor, to sign up to any job I can find. So far, I’ve found nothing. I came close once, but I got rejected before I was given the chance. I was okay with it at first, as I learned that the Performing Arts industry is a tough business. Now, I’m not so sure.

Finally, the online dating. Since joining, I’ve had a number of people following and chatting to me, but conversations with them have only lasted between a day and two weeks. Apart from one (but I’m not entirely sure how long it will last, since this person lives aboard – in Italy in fact). I’m trying to keep strong and have faith on this matter; but, I’m not sure what to do.

Writing and thinking about them is making me cry (right now). 😦

I’m lost; I want to try and improve myself, but I’m not sure how. I’ve always asked advice from close loved ones, but they have always given me the same answers – ‘Don’t change who you are’, ‘Don’t get angry’ and ‘Don’t change your friends; we like them’ (despite the fact I tell them about my struggles of living under their shadows like telling me things that I feel uncomfortable doing). What do I do when I’m older? Have a mid-life crisis and not get over it?

So, I’ve decided that I have to find a way to push myself, since I know no one’s gonna help me. I cannot stand being in someone else’s shadows any more. I need to act!