Waiting For A Rainbow – 1st August 2014

Bucket List – Things To Do Before I Turn 21

  1. Visit Versailles
  2. Take a Photography Course
  3. Learn to Play the Guitar
  4. Publish Something (!)
  5. Host a Dinner Party – and Invite People (!)
  6. Have a Portrait Painted
  7. Learn a Foreign Language
  8. Be An Extra in a Film/Television Program
  9. Do My Own Laundry (!)
  10. Get a Move On With My Driving (!)
  11. Be a Zoo Keeper For A Day
  12. Be More Charitable
  13. Volunteer To Help
  14. Go Somewhere Unfamiliar
  15. Sing karaoke
  16. Go 24 Hours Without Technology
  17. Watch A Sunset
  18. Be Brave
  19. Create a Dream Home – For When I Move Out (Goodness Knows How Long It’ll Be)
  20. Plan An Awesome 21st Birthday Party (!)

“Who knows where I’ll end up in the end?”

August 2014

Friday 1st August

My summer has been relaxing so far. However, I’ve been busy non-stop.

Penrice was really good; we had two days of rainy weather, with light drizzles. Apart from that, it was sunny.

In the early evenings when it wasn’t raining, I managed to go outside the front garden at Underhill Cottage to watch the sunset while Mum and Dad had time to themselves. I would sit on the wooden bench and bring my drawing stuff and my book, Jane: The Woman who Loved Tarzan by Robin Maxwell. However, I couldn’t see the sun; the cottage was underneath giant shades of trees coming from Nicholaston forest. It was impossible to see it because the sun was setting in the west.

On the first night, there was a small gust of wind and I was beginning to feel cold. The temperatures in Wales are colder compared to England but we were near the sea. But the wind didn’t stop me watching the sunset.

On the days that followed, it was hopeless.

Dad told me the sun at Underhill can be seen when it rises in the morning but I am not an early-bird; usually, I get up at ten in the morning but sometimes I get up later.

But all was not lost. Inside the cottage, I have a window in the twin bedroom where I sleep. When I sat down in front of the window, I saw a wonderful view of the marshes, with the sunlight reflecting on the trees. There is also a small view of the sea, which shines like glass. (I don’t why the sea shines like glass but that’s my opinion.)  I also I saw an island from the sea; I think this island is Devon.

For the rest of the holiday, I decided to stay in the room to watch the sun.

One night, I saw a small rainbow near Oxwich beach. The sky had white and light grey clouds; I assumed it was raining beside the sea. An hour later, the sun shaded the countryside, and the sky had a mixture of colours; blue, pink, red and grey. The sun’s rays were still shining underneath the clouds.

When I was in Secondary school, I used to travel past the countryside every morning and early evening. I would pass through farmland and see the sun rising and setting in the sky. I have always been amazed by the beauty of the sun. Watching nature is lovely in the country; there is so much to see.

Another night, I saw the sunlight, fading slowly into constant darkness. When night came, there were a few lights left; they came from ships, a marquee tent near Oxwich Bay Hotel and the houses, which were on top of the hills. It was very beautiful.

Also, my parents and I saw wildlife swooping by or walking away from the cottage and around the estate. There were swallows, sheep, horses with their fouls and barn owls who were roosting in deserted and messy barns. We’ve even had aircraft passing by too. One day, I was looking through the window from the twin bedroom and noticed a giant, dark green RAF aeroplane changing course to the east. It was coming towards the cottage at a very short distance, with its noise pointing towards the window!

In the day, we would walk through Nicholaston Woods to Oxwich Beach and back again.

We would climb up a steep slope from the back garden at Underhill and followed a nature trail path leading to the marshes. The woods were very ancient but breath-taking. As we walked by, we saw long tall trees, bright green plants, wild flowers, stones, following steams and smelt wild garlic plants, which were blooming in the distance. Walking in Nicholaston Woods is like walking in the jungles of the Amazon Rainforest or Africa; I felt like I was an explorer. In the middle of our walk, Dad found a long vine, dangling from a tall tree. He took it and pretended to be Tarzan, letting out his famous cry of victory. I was so embarrassed and wanted to keep moving. So we did.

“It’s good for your education”, said Dad.

That’s not education, that’s torture!

On the beach, we would walk in the sea and sand. Sometimes, we would stop near the hotel for a cup of tea and chips. Spending time on the beach was fun. However, one day I forgot to put sun cream on. I got sunburnt on the back of my neck, my shoulders, my back and my arms. I was very stupid; I wore a short T-Shirt at the time which showed some parts of my back.

I left my back for a couple of days. My arms slowly turned back to white and my neck was fine. I think I was having one of my forgetful days and I certainly learned my lesson.

We also walked around the estate park, the kitchen gardens, the pleasure gardens (we got in through a small green door in the stone wall, opposite Underhill and had to unlock it with a key which was kept inside the cottage), Millwood forest, up to Little Reynoldston and Three Cliffs Bay.

In the evening, we would play board and card games after dinner.

First, we played the Crazy Kiwi game. To play this game, players have to arrange the cards into a small square to match the top and bottom half of the kiwis but with only one solution.

I always manage to match eight, out of the nine cards but this game is really crazy!

Then, we played the Stakes Were High but Cliff Put His Best Foot Forward game. The aim of this game is to try to get fewer balls as possible. All you have to do is place thirty-two wooden balls on the board and leave one hole in the middle. Then, you have to hop one ball into an empty space and remove a ‘captured’ ball from the board, until you can’t move anyone. This game requires mental strategy, like chess.

On Thursday the third, we went out to dinner at the King Arthur Hotel in Reynoldston. The hotel was lovely. Inside, there was a pub, a main reception and a restaurant. The hotel also has King Arthur’s Sword, Excalibur hanging on the wall in the reception hall inside a glass frame.

Near the hotel, there is a historic landmark called Maen Ceti (In English, “Arthur’s Stone”).

Cefn Bryn (where the Arthur’s Stone is) covers a five mile long stretch along Old Red Sandstone ridge hill, between the towns of Cilibion and Reynoldston. According to legend, Arthur’s Stone is a burial ground from the Neolithic Era. It has been used for ceremonies and rituals during the Bronze Age. While he was walking in Llanelli, King Arthur kicked a small stone; it flew and grew in the air before landing on its location spot. Around the hills, there is Broad Pool, which is a protected nature reserve. Wildlife live there including wetland birds, sheep and wild ponies.

We stayed in the pub where we had our meal; it had stone walls, wooden timbers and open log fires.

The food was very well presented and delicious. Dad had a rump steak with chips, and salad, Mum had butternut squash, with rice, vegetables, and curry sauce, and I had gammon steak, with grilled pineapple, chips and salad.

I never had grilled gammon steak before. Dad told me that when he was my age, he had would have gammon steak when he would go out for a meal; that was before he switched to rump steak.

The texture on my steak and the pineapple were astounding. It had a really nice flavour.

Originally, Mum, Dad and I planned to travel home the next day. However due to housekeeping arrangements, long travel and the weather, Mum and Dad decided to go back, a few hours later. We left at eleven o’ clock and didn’t get back home until two-thirty in the morning.

We have always been on holiday to Wales and every time we leave Wales, I feel sad. Wales holds a special place in my heart; I was born there. I feel that I belong there, despite the fact I don’t know any Welsh. Sometimes, I feel I don’t belong in the city; somehow, I think at heart, I’m not city material (although I like adventuring in London). Wales is my utopia; it is a place where I call home. Someday, I would like to live in Wales. Maybe, I’ll move after I finish my studies, when I start a family or retire; who knows? I don’t know when it’ll be but I guess I’ll have to wait and see.

This year, it is one hundred years since the First World War broke out.

On the twenty-second of June, Mum and I attended an event, which focused on the events of the First World War.

The hall where the event was held was used as a hospital for wounded soldiers during the war. The soldiers, known as the Sherwood Foresters were at the hospital in case they were needed to fight battles like the Battle of the Somme.

The show had actors performing, and reading passages from plays, books, poems and accounts. After the interval, a History teacher came onto the stage and talked about a school trip he organised to the North-Central Somme and South-Eastern Pas-de-Calais – it was very moving. Then, the choir lead the audience and together, we sang popular songs from the war. One of them was the song I remembered from my childhood; “Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit-Bag”:

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile,

While you’ve a Lucifer to light your fag,

Smile, boys, that’s the style.

What’s the use of worrying?

It never was worthwhile, so

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,

And smile, smile, smile.

On the sixth of July, F, A and I went out together for a day trip to London. F was in town and she thought the cousins could have a get together. We took the morning train to London Euston. After travelling on the Underground, we headed over to the Science Museum in South Kensington. We looked around all of the exhibitions; Making the Modern World, The Science and Art of Medicine, Atmosphere, the Launchpad, Energy Hall, Veterinary, Exploring Science, Computing and Glimpses of Medical History.

Some of the artefacts we saw in the Glimpses of Medical History exhibition were uncovered from the Egyptian pyramids. They are sacred A and me; we’re not into gory stuff. Mummies scare A. For me, it was the bandaged heads.

In the Launchpad, we saw a twenty-minute show about Rocket Science. During the show, a staff member demonstrated a few experiments with the audience, while explaining Newton’s laws of gravity. She also blew up two balloons, with a Bunsen burner, filled with carbon dioxide and hydrogen (but not at the same time). We were instructed to cover our ears; it was very noisy! The show was enjoyable to watch.

Afterwards, we went travelled to in Cardinal Place, Victoria where we had lunch at Nando’s.

We spent the afternoon shopping in Oxford Circus. We walked around the streets, browsing for clothes in John Lewis and Victoria’s Secret. We were like little girls, exploring, looking and examining the clothes. We travelled back home; we had a wonderful day.

Next day, it was my parents wedding anniversary and I decided to cook dinner for them. I made fish pie.

They loved the pie. However, the best part for me was eating the scraps in the dish tray. Yummy!

On the twelfth, A came over to my house for some girlie time. She did a face pack, my nails and make up. It’s fun and very relaxing. We also have our chats; we would catch up what we have done during the week and talk about ransom stuff. One time, I asked, ‘If you could marry and befriend characters from the Harry Potter film franchise, who would it be?’

A’s answers were:

  • Marry a character – Professor Snape
  • Befriend a character – Albus Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, Gilderoy Lockhart & Hagrid

My answers were:

  • Marry a character – Harry Potter
  • Befriend a character – Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, Professor Sprout, Fred & George Weasley

On the twentieth, A and I went to Bateman’s house, in Burwash, East Sussex; the home of Rudyard Kipling.

Bateman’s has exquisite gardens filled with beautiful flowers, trees, water fountains and vegetable patches. The house is lovely too; it was built in the Jacobean era, before the Civil War had started.

First, A and I walked around the gardens, Park Mill and Oast House. An hour later, we went inside Bateman’s house. It had a cosy, bright and colourful Edwardian atmosphere just as it was during Kipling’s day. There were bits of furniture, antiques, books and paintings. I liked many of the rooms and objects, including John Kipling’s bedroom, Rudyard Kipling’s study room and Josephine’s necklace which inspired her father to write The Just So Stories. It was like stepping through time. The estate also had mixtures of Indian culture. Around the rooms and gardens, there were Indian plants and trees; they made me feel I was in India. In the hallway, there is a golden fish underneath the fire place. The fish is like a small compass. When it turns to the left, visitors are welcome but if it turns the other way, it is the opposite. It is an Indian custom, one Kipling and his family believed in.

We had lunch, underneath a pear tree in the gardens.

Then, A and I walked around the estate and countryside nearby. We went through the Puck’s Walk, Ironmaster’s Walk and Dudwell Farm walks. We started from the Mill on the Ironmaster’s and Puck’s walks to a bridge past Ditch and Old Oak field. Then, we continued through Ironmaster’s Walk, until we reached the A265. After walking on the path, we did the Dudwell Farm Walk. We turned right to Bateman’s Lane and walked to the Quarry Garden and the Mine Pit before returning to the estate.

The walk was really interesting. However when we climbed up the hills, A ran out of breath. She explained that the circulation in her legs weren’t good; I did feel guilty about going on the walks but she was okay.

Bateman’s is truly a wonderful place to visit. This is the one I would love to return to.

On the twenty-third, Dad and I went to Paradise Wildlife Park in Broxbourne, Hertfordshire to participate a photography course. Throughout the day, we had literatures from a safari photographer who showed us how to take artistic pictures with our cameras.

In the boiling heat, we walked around the park, and took pictures of the animals; birds of the world, lemurs, small reptiles, red pandas, wolves and the big cats. We also had a short break. During that time, Dad and I took pictures of the camels, reindeers, penguins, gibbons, white lions and an African leopard.

We got really good pictures. Although the one I am proud of is a picture I took in the Lorikeet Landing enclosure.

When we came in, one of the keepers gave us a pot of nectar. When were we at the end of the enclosure, I saw the bridge and my pot on the rail. Then, one of the lorikeets flew down and landed on the bridge. I got a photo shot of the Lorikeet, with its beck inside the pot and his eye looking at the camera, one I had borrowed from Dad.

In some enclosures, (expect the big cats, wolves and all the spare ones Dad and I went in our free time) we were allowed inside. This was exciting; I never experienced animals in that way before and it was an amazing experience.

I’ve also had experiences that happened to me; I had another lorikeet on my head, pulling my hair and pecking my sculp. I was worried he was going to poo on me, but he didn’t. However, one did poo on Dad’s hand when it was tearing his pot apart.

Then, I had a lemur jumping onto my lap. The lemur who sat on my lap was on for thirty seconds before one of the keepers shooed it away.

I also touched a wolf; we weren’t allowed to go inside the enclosure. But, the wolf keepers when the wolves come to bars, we had to put our hands flat against them so they could sniff us.

One of them walked up to me. He leaned against the fence, in front of my hand was; I felt its fur from the tip of my fingers. The fur was smooth like a domestic dog.

We had a fantastic day at the photography master class. I hope in the near future, I’ll come back to Paradise or a different zoo to do either do more photography classes or attend a “Zoo Keeper” for a day event.

started taking weekly hour Zumba dance sessions at my local village hall. I try to go once a week Tuesday evenings. I enjoy dancing along to the music; if I hear music in a disco, I would get up and dance, mostly to the songs I know.

I have taken up to sort out my own laundry. Mum’s been teaching me how to iron my own clothes; the first lesson was tricky. I was trying to make the clothes neat so I can iron where the creases are but Mum said I was making more of them, by swinging the iron, side-to-side with my wrist and hand. Also, I burnt my index finger against the hot iron. I was tired and frustrated; I wanted to give up but I didn’t. I just carried on, until I finished the whole pile.

Someone times when I’m home alone and I have nothing to do, I get bored. If I am in that situation, I would go on my computer, listen to my music, write or make lists. While I was on the computer, I made one bucket list:

Volunteer to Do Something Aboard

What Do I Want to Do?


Look After African Wildlife

Work in Animal Care Project in South Africa

Teach Children How To Read, Write and Speak English

In schools in Kenya, Ecuador, Fiji, Samoa or Moldova

Help the Environment

Work on projects in the African Savannah in Kenya, Mexico, the Amazon Rainforest in Peru or the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

Help a Community

Help to teach children creative arts in Ecuador, work with Drama clubs, local drama communities and theatre groups in Romania

Do Archaeology

Work on projects in Peru or Romania

Care for children

Orphanages or Schools in China, the Philippines or Ecuador

If I get a chance, I would love to volunteer to travel and do these tasks. This will be difficult for me. Mum and Dad think I cannot travel independently, which is true and they worry about what will happen to me if the places I go too are dangerous.  I know I am ahead of my time but these would be my ideal things to do after I graduate.

Lately, I’ve been so bored. So I have made another list of activities I can try this summer:

Things to Do If I’m Bored This Summer

  • Make a music video by myself
  • Take 1,000 pictures
  • Read a book
  • Make a pizza
  • Write a song
  • Learn something new
  • Stand up for what I believe in
  • Bake a cake
  • Play a classic board game on a rainy day
  • Redo my bedroom
  • Grow some plants
  • Visit friends

At times, I’ve been worried about my future.

One night I had a movie with A. We watched Notting Hill in the out-house, which was in my back garden.

After A went home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the film, especially the ending where Hugh Grant, after going on an emotional roller coaster ride, returns to Julia Roberts and declares his love for her. She accepts him and they live happily ever after. I couldn’t get that scene out of my mind.

I went into my room, and I felt my heart fuzzing, like it is breaking into two. I looked into the mirror; my eyes where bright red and filled with tears. Although I wanted to, I was trying so hard not to cry.

I am so unlucky in love, I thought.

Then, I lost it. Sometimes, I think love may not be for me.

After my experiences of bullying, hanging out with wrong people and the abuse I suffered, I felt like giving up.

It’s a mixed up world for me; I have to deal with my problems I have in my life. I doubt myself a lot; I don’t know why. I’ve had many people who have said to me I can’t do things or I’ll never be successful in life. I don’t know if I’ll be brave enough to find true love. I guess, I’m depressed about it.

But, I still have faith. I remember when I a child, Dad said loads of people that if I set a target for myself, I try to achieve it. I’m also a big dreamer; I dream about love, a lot. I dream myself meeting the love of my life while dancing at a disco or a ball like Cinderella.

Now, I’ve decided to give myself a chance. I’m going to try to be courageous, follow my head, my heart and just go with the flow. Who knows where I’ll end up in the end? It could be anywhere in the world, or close to home. No one said finding love is easy but I am willing to try. I know I have the courage but what I really need is my faith to be there with me.

Waiting For A Rainbow – 1st July 2014

Bucket List – Things To Do Before I Turn 21

  1. Visit Versailles
  2. Take a Photography Course
  3. Learn to Play the Guitar
  4. Publish Something (!)
  5. Host a Dinner Party – and Invite People (!)
  6. Have a Portrait Painted
  7. Learn a Foreign Language
  8. Be An Extra in a Film/Television Program
  9. Do My Own Laundry (!)
  10. Get a Move On With My Driving (!)
  11. Be a Zoo Keeper For A Day
  12. Be More Charitable
  13. Volunteer To Help
  14. Go Somewhere Unfamiliar
  15. Sing karaoke
  16. Go 24 Hours Without Technology
  17. Watch A Sunset
  18. Be Brave
  19. Create a Dream Home – For When I Move Out (Goodness Knows How Long It’ll Be)
  20. Plan An Awesome 21st Birthday Party (!)

“Never give up, keep doing what you do best because you are amazing and an inspiration to everyone you know”.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               June 2014

Tuesday 1st July

June was a tricky month for me; it has pushed me to my limits because I had find my strengths for my end of year show, which I have now finished.

Some of the rehearsals had their moments. Preparing for the show was very intense; most of my peers were stressed, especially while we trying to remember the transitions. Every time when something goes wrong, someone would shout, nag or whine about it. Sometimes, I don’t understand why people have to blame others about things that don’t concern them.

However, there were times I felt that I have improved as a performer.

Two weeks ago, we did our first full run. When I did my monologue, I nearly choked up. I didn’t know why I nearly cried but I noticed that I was beginning to trust myself and bringing my character to life. I couldn’t have been happier!

The final week was tough. The class were tired in the technical rehearsal and they were still arguing. However, the run went smoothly. The dress rehearsals were better. On our run, we had a small audience who came to watch the show.

Our first show was on the eighteenth of June.

A came to watch along my aunt, my parents, I, T, an old friend who I have known for a very long time and V another friend who I have known for a long time. They really enjoyed the show when I saw them afterwards. On the way home, I asked everyone what their favourite scenes were. T liked the show and I like the scene involving street actors. For me, I like the medley which involve the songs “Any Old Iron”, “Daisy, Daisy”, “Old Bull and Bush” and “Don’t Dilly Dally”.

I had more people come to watch; family friends, my brother and my sister-in-law who is eight months pregnant. The show ran until the twenty-first.

After the performance, the teachers held an after party. Most of my friends attended as well as I. All we did at the party was talk and eat food. We didn’t stay for long; a half-an-hour later, we went home.

Twenty- sixth was graduation day.

The ceremony started with a surprise performance by the other students who sang a medley in front of my year, using popular songs. The songs that the students sang were I Feel Good by Michael Bublé, Seasons of Love from the Musical Rent and Lean on Me by Bill Withers. The lyrics were rewritten to fit in with the theme, which was saying goodbye and moving on.

After the performance, there were a couple of speeches by the teachers and video presentations of my year. Then one by one, we all collected our certificates. When my name was called, I was in tears, holding a scrunched up tissue in my hand.

Oh my god, I thought, I did it.

I am now an Inclusive Performing Arts graduate. These two years have flown by so quickly. I feel sad that I won’t be seeing some of my friends again but I hope our paths will cross again soon. They have been and are still amazing.

However, that’s not the end of the story. While I was rehearsing for my end of year show, I received news from my Drama school that they have accepted me onto their Foundation Degree course!

In the spring, I’ve been auditioning for four drama schools in London. I applied for their FD and BA courses. I only got accepted into two schools, including my old drama school. So, I decided to stay there. I will start the course in September.

I never thought I would get this far in life. When I was younger, I wondered what it would be like if I went to University. I did my best, waiting to see what the future holds for me and now, I’m going onto the Foundation Degree course! Life doesn’t get better than this!

Lastly, I’ve busy with my family.

The fifteenth was Father’s Day and in the afternoon, my brother, sister-in-law, my sister, my nephews and niece came round to my house for dinner.

I cooked dinner, with help from Mum and Dad. Together, we prepared chicken strips (coated with Nando’s Peri-Peri sauce), sausages, garlic, and sea salt roast potatoes, salmon and homemade trifle. Also, we bought Kettle crisps and J20 drinks to go with the meal.

They all enjoyed the meal but my brother was put off by the potatoes. He said that I put too much sea salt. However, everyone enjoyed the trifle.

I have made time to see my friends too. I went for a girly chat at my favourite coffee shop, Café Nero with T. and I invited me to his house for dinner with his parents and another friend L.

We had a lovely evening; we went on a visit to St Ayot, drove past George Bernard Shaw’s house and explored the ruins of St Lawrence’s Church.

St Lawrence’s was very beautiful. Inside, there were stone walls, deserted, empty rooms including the bell tower, standing high above a grave site; empty giant arch doors and small windows. Walking in the church was like taking a step back in time. It took my breath away.

Afterwards, we returned to I’s house for dinner. We were treated to a fabulous feast. We had salad with dressing, potato wedges, chicken kebabs, salmon, meringues and a selection of fruits. It was very filling.

During all this, I thought and wrote a list about what I wanted to do in ten years’ time:

Things to Do Within the Next Ten Years

  • Study and graduate the Foundation Degree course
  • Gain a BA Hons Degree
  • Find a Job
  • Pass My Driving Test
  • Move Out
  • Make My Dreams Come True
  • Travel Aboard
  • Volunteer to Do Something Aboard, i.e. Work with Animals in Wildlife Sanctuaries in Africa
  • Be Happy!

I also managed to be more charitable. My drama school was celebrating its birthday so Mum and I made triangle flags for their community day. We didn’t attend the community day but the flags turned out to be a success.

I am now writing this entry in Wales. Mum, Dad and I are staying in a large cottage called Underhill, which is located inside the grounds of Penrice Castle, near the Gower Peninsula.

We have been coming to Penrice since 2011. It is paradise; there is nothing but countryside and farmland. Through the windows of our cottage, we can see livestock grazing, farmers and sheepdogs driving through the grounds on their quid bikes. If you listen carefully, you can hear nothing but birds tweeting, cows mooing, sheep baaing in the day and owls hooting at night.

Inside the cottage, I have a fantastic view of Oxwich Marsh from my bedroom window. The views outside are absolutely stunning; we can see the Marsh, the sea and nearby fields. In the back garden, there is a small entrance that leads to Nicholaston Woods. The woods also has a trail to the beach.

I cannot wait to see how my summer turns out to be this year but in the meantime, my parents and I will try to enjoy our holiday; we’re keeping our fingers crossed for good weather before we return to England.

Waiting For A Rainbow – 1st June 2014

Bucket List – Things to Do Before I Turn 21

  1. Visit Versailles
  2. Take a Photography Course
  3. Learn to Play the Guitar
  4. Publish Something (!)
  5. Host a Dinner Party – and Invite People (!)
  6. Have a Portrait Painted
  7. Learn a Foreign Language
  8. Be An Extra in a Film/Television Program
  9. Do My Own Laundry (!)
  10. Get a Move On With My Driving (!)
  11. Be a Zoo Keeper For A Day
  12. Be More Charitable
  13. Volunteer To Help
  14. Go Somewhere Unfamiliar
  15. Sing karaoke
  16. Go 24 Hours Without Technology
  17. Watch A Sunset
  18. Be Brave
  19. Create a Dream Home – For When I Move Out (Goodness Knows How Long It’ll Be)
  20. Plan An Awesome 21st Birthday Party (!)

“We all have mixed feelings about life but it is never too late to turn over a new leaf. Soon, you’ll start to see that each day is precious and living is something worth keeping for”.

June 2014

Sunday 1st June 2014

During May, I tried to concentrate on my bucket list. It sounds lame but I was bored and had nothing to do.

I manage to complete two tasks; one on the tenth – my dream home and the other on the eighteenth of May, which was to travel somewhere unfamiliar.

For my dream home, all I did was copy, paste and print pictures from the Internet. Then, I cut, and stuck them onto sheets of paper. I completed this task on Eurovision Night. The contest this year was in Copenhagen, Denmark. Our entry for the UK was Molly who sang “Children of the Universe”. She was really good. We didn’t win; the winner was Conchita Wurst from Austria. She sang “Rise of the Phoenix”. I think Austria deserved to win because their entry and the Netherlands’ entry, “Calm after the Storm” by the Common Linnets were amazing.

On the eighteenth, Mum and I went to Chalfont St Giles in Buckinghamshire to attend a lecture about Henry VIII.

The talk was supposed to take place in the parish church. Mum and I were waiting outside in a small quite. But the lecturer was nowhere to be seen. Inside the church, it was very quiet. A few minutes later, a gentleman came in; he asked if we were here for the lecture.

“Yes”, we all replied.

The man apologised for the confusion; he said there had been a venue change. The lecture was now taking place at the Memorial Hall. We started walking out of the church and were taken up to the hall. We arrived in time to start. The hall was packed with people.

The lecture was interesting. Our lecturer, Doctor David Starkey shared new information he had found in historic archives and is going to put them in his new book.

Doctor Starkey also mentioned facts about Henry VIII; I remember two of them:

  • Henry loved his first wife, Katharine of Aragon – he was the first King, since Edward IV to marry for love (although their marriage was arranged for political reasons). Henry VIII’s father, Henry VII tried to talk his son out of the marriage but Henry disobeyed his father and followed his heart.
  • Anne Boleyn wasn’t very pretty but used her charms to be Henry’s queen. Poor Henry couldn’t bear to let go of Katharine.

Before the lecture, I heard opinions from people. However when I saw Doctor Starkey, he was a very nice person, with a wonderful sense of humour and is extremely clever. Seeing Doctor Starkey was a privilege.

I’m trying to be kind to myself, while making decisions. In this early stage, I’m starting to mature and I have Renée Zellweger to thank. Her appearance in “Bridget Jones’s Diary” has taught me to be happy with myself.

One of these women who I look up to is my cousin. Her name is A.

We try to spend time together; A and I go out on weekends and the holidays. These outings help me to socialise and gain my independence while having fun. Ann and I have been to splendid places.

On the fifth of May, we went to Bletchley Park. The grounds are like a university campus. It has a beautiful estate, luxurious gardens, a post office, World War Two bunkers and a cinema. I cannot find the words to describe Bletchley; I highly recommend visiting this place. It is amazing to see where the code breakers spent their days during the war.

A week later, we went to the Carters Steam Fair. I’ve never been to a Steam Fair before and I was very excited. My youngest cousin, J came with us.

First, the three of us went to the Fair Arcade and played machine games. Then, J had a go on the Coconut Shy before he and I went on the dodgems. J drove the car but he kept bashing into the other cars.

A and I went on the Chair-O-Plane, Jubilee Steam Gallopers, Sensational Octopus and Excelsior Steam Yachts. Some of the rides, especially the Octopus made me feel dizzy. While we were riding on the Octopus, we saw fireworks. There were so many colours, roundels, willows and round shells; it was impossible to miss.

Also, I tired Candy Floss for the first time. It was very nice but very sticky.

On the twenty-forth, A and I went to Peterborough for the day. In the morning, we visited the Cathedral and went on the Tower Guided Tours. We walked five levels of stairs and squeezed through narrow doors. The central tower (which is the main tower) was one hundred and forty three feet high. I was very nervous when I looked down, trying to view the Nave and the altar. My stomach was churning, my palms were sweating and my head was spinning. However, I managed to conquer my fear of heights. The highlight of the tour was the roof; we saw the town from a bird’s eye view and it was breath-taking.

Another memorable moment for me was Katharine of Aragon’s grave. Katharine is a special person at Peterborough Cathedral; she receives flowers, and dried pomegranates and ministers hold special masses in her honour every year.

When I looked at her grave, I realised how strong, brave, clever and independent Katharine was. Katharine was loved by the English people and had done marvellous things for them. She even founded a girl’s school in Oxford, King’s College.

After lunch, A, and I walked around the shopping centre and paid a visit to the Peterborough museum. Inside, there was an exhibition, celebrating the life and work of the poet John Clare. Then, we went upstairs to see more displays, including the Napoleonic Prison Camp and the Victorian Operating Theatre. The theatre was scary with white sheets; a bucket full of blood, tools and the operating table. I didn’t know what to make of it.

The next day, A, my aunt, my parents and I went to Ashridge Park to meet my older cousin, F and her parents. We went for a walk around the woodland, had a picnic and played ball games.

I also go out with my friends. One of them is a boy, called I who also has Autism and is three years older than me. Last time, we went to Convent Garden to visit the London Film Museum. In the museum, there was a special exhibition, called “Bond in Motion”; a collection of vehicles, used in the James Bond movies from Dr No to Skyfall. There so many cars, bikes and submarines to look at.

“It’s every boys dream”, I’s mum said; she’s right.

Along the way, we meet another friend, R. He is an artist and paints about how he sees Asperger’s Syndrome. I first saw R’s work last summer. At the time, I was working on a project for Drama school.

My peers and I were given choices to research categories, businesses or a people in the performing arts industry. I decided to work on Autistic individuals.

R was holding an exhibition in Rickmansworth. Mum and I went and were inspired by his work. I put him in my project and the rest is history.

Then, I meet R, face-to-face at the Autism Road Show a few months later; he was displaying his work and I had a look.

When we were at the museum, R said he was in London for the day. It was nice to see him again and managed to catch up while looking at the cars.

At Drama school, rehearsals for my end of year show have been intense. Nearly everyone in the class aren’t getting on, and getting into full arguments; some of them have been confusing individuals with completed stage directions. The stress is unbearable.

I try and I work hard but there are things I’m not good at. Accents are my biggest problem. In the show, I have to speak in a cockney accent. I can listen to audio tracks online and repeat them around the house. When I perform on stage, it’s a catastrophe! My voice changes and I lose focus.

One of my friends who has epilepsy, has offered to help me. Every lunch time, he helps me with my lines on the school balcony and gives me tips about what I should before the show. He is an inspirational person, a great friend and teacher who would happily give advice to anyone he meets. My friends and I really like him.

I’ve had positive moments too. In a couple of rehearsals, I’ve been learning to trust myself and my peers in class work. However, I need to push myself to the next level otherwise I would go back to square one.

I’m also trying to relax and make business-like conversations (if I get angry), to be a fair team player and be kind to myself. It’s hard but I’m doing everything I can. I need to face my problems; I will not fall. I will stand tall!

Waiting For A Rainbow – 1st May 2014

Bucket List – Things to Do Before I Turn 21

  1. Visit Versailles
  2.  Take a Photography Course
  3.  Learn to Play the Guitar
  4.  Publish Something (!)
  5.  Host a Dinner Party – and Invite People (!)
  6.  Have a Portrait Painted
  7.  Learn a Foreign Language
  8.  Be An Extra in a Film/Television Program
  9.  Do My Own Laundry (!)
  10.  Get a Move On With My Driving (!)
  11.  Be a Zoo Keeper For A Day
  12.  Be More Charitable
  13.  Volunteer To Help
  14.  Go Somewhere Unfamiliar
  15.  Sing karaoke
  16.  Go 24 Hours Without Technology
  17.  Watch A Sunset
  18.  Be Brave
  19. Create a Dream Home – For When I Move Out (Goodness Knows How Long It’ll Be)
  20. Plan An Awesome 21st Birthday Party (!)

“Sometimes I wish I was a completely different person”

                                                                                                                 March 2014

Thursday 1st May 2014

I love creative writing whether stories, poems or song lyrics. When I was a teenager, I wrote.

I have Autism which makes me misunderstand, jumping to conclusions. I was diagnosed when I was two years old; it was really bad when I was younger. I used to talk, and play by myself; I struggled to make friends and my speech wasn’t fantastic. I didn’t use language appropriately until I was around five; I used to shout at the top of my voice. Now I mix up my words (I swear my brain falls asleep when I don’t want it too). My friends don’t always see that I have Autism. Some say, “Really? You look normal; I would never guess you have Autism”.

I am trying to accept myself. I feel it’s nice to feel that I am, well sort of “normal”. However, many other people think I’m strange.

When I was in Primary school, I used to get bullied. I had friends, but I wanted to play on my own. I thought it was normal. However, a group of boys thought I was weird and picked on me. They called me terrible names and, on one occasion, pushed me to the ground, laughing at me. The situation was sorted out but the bullying didn’t stop. When I finished Primary school, I was anxious being around strange boys or men. This made me lose my confidence. I went to a girls’ secondary school and I settled in well there. Now I have a few boys as friends. But I was always sensitive; I cannot watch horror movies, I’m shy of strangers and I feel uncomfortable flirting with boys.

I am studying Inclusive Performing Arts. I am happy being a drama student; I love to act, dance, sing and participate in shows. At the moment, my peers and I are working on our end of year show. The show is based on newspaper reports from the Victorian Era. We started rehearsing in April.

Although I am happy, I’m struggling to fit in.

I still get bullied. Last time, someone told me I was fat; this made me feel angry and down. I am starting to feel uncomfortable about my body.

My love life hasn’t helped me either. Last year, I met someone. As time went by, we became friends and started to fall in love. Then, he began to treat me like a doll and tried to take away from my friends. When I distanced myself from him, he tried to get me back but I told him that our friendship was over. The situation didn’t end there. One day I found my old card. On the card, there was information, pointing out what is a good man and what is a bad man. I read the bad man side and I realised that I had been a victim of emotional abuse. This was a huge shock for me  and I’m struggling to get over it.

This last week wasn’t much better. For months, I have been shouted and nagged by a few girls in my year; they think I don’t pay attention in group work.

For a while, I was beginning to feel stressed. Then, until I lost it. I came home on Tuesday and locked inside my bedroom in floods of tears.

What was I doing wrong? Am I overacting? I know there’s something with me; I just know it.

Suddenly, my Dad came in. I saw him looking at New Year’s Resolutions List which I wrote in January:

New Year’s Resolutions 2014

  • Try and stay on top of everything, i.e. homework and bedroom.
  • Use my money a little more
  • Organise a timetable for myself!
  • Be more thoughtful and care able
  • Be involved in team work – DON’T PUSH TOO MUCH!
  • Exercise more
  • Follow a few beauty tips as possible
  • Learn a new language
  • Organise plans and think about them before acting upon them (in other words, don’t rush or leave things till the last minute)
  • Be more busy in my spare time, especially during the summer
  • Revise, revise, revise!
  • Read more books
  • Spend less time on YouTube, cut down to once a week or weekends maybe
  • Don’t get distracted with men!
  • Cut off the chips (cut down to once every 1 – 6 weeks, if possible. That means rely more on packed lunches)
  • Spend more time with my friends
  • Do more cooking
  • Try not to make enemies, act business-like to get out of situations
  • Make 2014 a good one, baby! 😉

Dad was interested in my second last resolution. He advised me to stick to the rule, keep smiling and be positive.

While I was recovering, I decided to go on YouTube. I started to watch “Eat Pray Love” – the movie trailer. Then, it hit me. I wanted to change my life just like Elizabeth Gilbert. But how to do it, I thought. Why not write a blog about it? So, I am planning to write once a month until my twenty-first birthday.

It’s time to begin my journey; well, here it goes….